Crisis of Confidence

Last week, on Friday, I underwent a mini-breakdown. Not the panic attack, "oh no, my life is falling apart" type of breakdown, but more so the "I am learning and seeing so much but feel as though I am not actually helping" type of breakdown. I am not sure if other CUSP students feel the same way, but I certainly was hit pretty hard last week by all that I had experienced thus far. I am absolutely loving my internship; the people that are supervising me are amazing, and are not only a wealth of knowledge in various areas of policy, but have also made it their personal goals to make this summer the most stimulating learning experience that they possible can for me. They have enabled me to attend private meetings between key policy-makers and community leaders, intelectual conferences in which most of the other attendees are distinguished professors at ivy leaque schools, and intimate study groups focusing on the realities of health care policy in New York. In other words, I have been allowed let in to events which I would normally never ever have access to!
Now you probably wonder why would all of this- these amazing and enlightening experiences, lead me to a mini breakdown of sorts. It is simply that while I am obviously learning so much, at the same time I wondering how much am I really doing that will help my group achieve its goal of expanding access to health care. I am torn between the greatness of the learning experience and the reality of what I am actually doing. It really boils down to what the true point of this summer is, to learn or to do. Are we CUSP interns here in NYC for these short eight weeks to make an impact in this place, in our own fields, or are we here to have an impact made upon us? Right now, at least for me, I feel as though I have had much more of an impact made upon me than I have myself enacted any change. Of course, I am hoping that in the end it will turn out to be a combination of both, that I will leave knowing that I have grown immensly as a person, and that I was able to help to do something positive for the cause I devoted my summer to.
As this issue had been nagging at me for the whole of last week, I tentatively brought it up to my supervisor, Aaron Beckerman, at one of our many reflective sessions (which take place all over the city in diners or on a park bench, wherever and whenever we can take the time to pause and discuss the significance of the many meetings and events). As he always does, Aaron asked me "how's it going?" and instead of my normal response which encompasses "GREAT! I loved this meeting..." (and I provide a description of what I have been doing for the previous few days), I paused for just a second before carefully answering that I was loving the experience but was a little torn. I explained how I felt, that I was wondering if what I was doing was good for anyone but myself, and then waited to see how Aaron would respond. He looked at me and smiled and said, "kiddo, if all that you accomplish the whole summer is to learn about the importance of the issue of universal health care, then we have succeeded!". "Of course, you have already done so much more than simple learn, as you have already put together valuable research for our group, but the far more valuable thing, is that you have begun to really understand the importance of a health care system that provides equitable and quality medicine to all who need it". Aaron went on to explain that my future dedication, which he hoped would result in part from this summer's experience working with Rekindling Reform, to providing primary medical care while working in support of universal health care would do much more for the issue than any summer project which could be accomplished in 8 weeks. In other words, Aaron was explaining that my education in the political arena of NYC, which would result in shaping the type of person I would become and impact my professional and personal choices in a (hopefully) positive way, was of far more worth to the cause. The group here is trying to build a movement powerful enough to break through the stereotypes and fears which surround any form of de-privatization of health care within the United States (a country which ungroundedly fears anything that remotely resembles socialism in any form). Such a movement requires that not only the professors and intelectuals be knowledgeable, but also the students and the youth and the young professionals. Aaron's hope is that by educating on of these youth, on the verge of adulthood, he can help to widen such a movement to a generation that is definately not known for its activism.